I've been watching Gatsby carefully so far... his stomach hasn't swollen up again, at least not yet, although his paunch does seem a bit sloshy to me. One of his legs was swollen up last night which was strange, although it seems to have gone down today. He is eating! Not a lot at once, but he is definitely eating and does seem hungry. He spends most of his time sleeping in my bed or near me when I'm on the computer. :< He cuddles with me a lot at night, resting his head on my shoulder or poking me with his claws when he wants something. He was a bit restless last night... he might have been hungry?

I feel like I'm whiplashing back and forth like crazy. I'm either coming up with stupid Suskingus jokes or comic ideas or I'm crying about Gatsby, sometimes like right after the other. I don't know how much time I have left with him... I keep checking him to see if he's swollen up again. When he leaves me at night I worry that he might have gone off somewhere to die. :< Or I might wake up with him dead on my shoulder. To have him die in his sleep in my arms doesn't sound so bad, but I don't want him to die at all. I don't want him to die!!! I love him so much!!! I wish there was some kind of miracle that could just fix him up again but there's nothing anyone can do.

I feel so tired... I get these little bursts of creative energy to think up stupid jokes and then I feel guilty for thinking of silly things when Gatsby is dying. I just don't know what else I can do. Losing both the brothers so soon after each other doesn't feel real. Gatsby is moving so slowly and deliberately now and I keep thinking of times I'd wake up with both the brothers curled up next to me while I was sleeping. And soon they'll both be gone! They'll both be gone and there just won't be any cats at all... all this cat stuff everywhere, all for no one... uuuuughhhhh