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Gatsby's stomach is swelling up again. ;_; It was really only a matter of time, but I was hoping for more... now it's time to make a decision and it's so hard. He's still eating a little bit, he's still cuddling at night, he still tries to stay near me... I want as much time with him as I can get, but is it fair to him? Is he suffering? Is he in pain? Am I just prolonging it for my own sake without thinking about how he feels? But what if there's more time we COULD have? Would it be better to just let him die here naturally rather than take him in to be put to sleep? Would it be better to have him put to sleep here than the vet's office? How much time do I really have left with him? I know it's running out fast but it's so hard to make a decision and on some level I don't want to. I know I have to but it's so hard. ;_;
I've been watching Gatsby carefully so far... his stomach hasn't swollen up again, at least not yet, although his paunch does seem a bit sloshy to me. One of his legs was swollen up last night which was strange, although it seems to have gone down today. He is eating! Not a lot at once, but he is definitely eating and does seem hungry. He spends most of his time sleeping in my bed or near me when I'm on the computer. :< He cuddles with me a lot at night, resting his head on my shoulder or poking me with his claws when he wants something. He was a bit restless last night... he might have been hungry?
I feel like I'm whiplashing back and forth like crazy. I'm either coming up with stupid Suskingus jokes or comic ideas or I'm crying about Gatsby, sometimes like right after the other. I don't know how much time I have left with him... I keep checking him to see if he's swollen up again. When he leaves me at night I worry that he might have gone off somewhere to die. :< Or I might wake up with him dead on my shoulder. To have him die in his sleep in my arms doesn't sound so bad, but I don't want him to die at all. I don't want him to die!!! I love him so much!!! I wish there was some kind of miracle that could just fix him up again but there's nothing anyone can do.
I feel so tired... I get these little bursts of creative energy to think up stupid jokes and then I feel guilty for thinking of silly things when Gatsby is dying. I just don't know what else I can do. Losing both the brothers so soon after each other doesn't feel real. Gatsby is moving so slowly and deliberately now and I keep thinking of times I'd wake up with both the brothers curled up next to me while I was sleeping. And soon they'll both be gone! They'll both be gone and there just won't be any cats at all... all this cat stuff everywhere, all for no one... uuuuughhhhh
I feel like I'm whiplashing back and forth like crazy. I'm either coming up with stupid Suskingus jokes or comic ideas or I'm crying about Gatsby, sometimes like right after the other. I don't know how much time I have left with him... I keep checking him to see if he's swollen up again. When he leaves me at night I worry that he might have gone off somewhere to die. :< Or I might wake up with him dead on my shoulder. To have him die in his sleep in my arms doesn't sound so bad, but I don't want him to die at all. I don't want him to die!!! I love him so much!!! I wish there was some kind of miracle that could just fix him up again but there's nothing anyone can do.
I feel so tired... I get these little bursts of creative energy to think up stupid jokes and then I feel guilty for thinking of silly things when Gatsby is dying. I just don't know what else I can do. Losing both the brothers so soon after each other doesn't feel real. Gatsby is moving so slowly and deliberately now and I keep thinking of times I'd wake up with both the brothers curled up next to me while I was sleeping. And soon they'll both be gone! They'll both be gone and there just won't be any cats at all... all this cat stuff everywhere, all for no one... uuuuughhhhh
Aah I noticed Gatsby's stomach seemed kind of round and hard, and he was also crying a lot and moving kind of oddly, and he was being picky about his treats so I started getting a bit worried. I took him in to get checked out and they told me that he has a form of heart failure and that it's causing fluid to pool in his belly. They could drain the fluid (and it was an ALARMING amount) but it'll come back eventually, days or weeks or at most a month from now. His kidneys are also failing, so there's basically no good prognosis. I really thought I'd have more time with Gatsby, Wilson only died like two months ago and I'm not ready to lose Gatsby too. To lose both of them in such a short period seems so cruel. I just want to hold onto him with everything I've got, even though I know that time is going to run out whether I want it to or not. He's been such a cuddly boy lately too, sleeping next to me in bed and resting his head on my shoulder or my stomach and holding onto me with his paws. Ugh I don't want to lose him, he actually just came up to sit in my lap as I'm typing this. I love him so much. This doesn't feel fair.
I have gone absolutely insane for this Deltarune Chapter 5 ship, like I am headlong 100mph into hell, I can't stop. I am possessed by demons. One of the characters is an amazing reveal though and I don't want to spoil that if people haven't played Chapter 5! But I also want to talk about it lol. It's also related to that longer comic I was talking about a while back. So I'll just be insane about it under the cut, also post the comic! And maybe some other ones while I'm at it. I've also made some stupid sex jokes about it but maybe I'll put those in a separate entry lol.
( People like 'it's the least surprising that zarla got into this ship' and it's true )
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( People like 'it's the least surprising that zarla got into this ship' and it's true )
lj post
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